Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Soup Sandwich Wins!

A lot has happened in the past couple of months, most of which was too painful to post. You'd think a motormouth like me would be writing reams on my blog about everything, but no. Some things hurt too much to write or admit.

My mother passed away on January 21st. She was not only my Mom, but my best friend. No matter how awful or wrong I thought I was, she was always on my side. She was my touchstone and confidant. Mom could tell me things she couldn't anyone else as I could her, as well. She always believed the best about me, always knew I had good intentions for everything I do or say. Losing her has been like losing my map, my confidence, my heart.

I spent most of January taking care of her, which was both awful and wonderful. Wonderful, because of course, of all the time I had her to myself. Whatever she needed, sometimes even before she knew it, Mom had. I'd stay up in the wee hours of the morning, writing on the NaNoWriMo novel and enjoy listening to her slight snore. Her moving or getting quiet always caught my attention, so I'd get up from the chair and give her a kiss. She'd always smile in her sleep when I did, much like the Frygirl does.

The awful part? I thought if I did something wrong or not did something she needed, my ineptness could harm her. The worst was no matter what I could do, her breathing didn't get any easier for her. I honestly couldn't do enough for her.

Lots of 'I's in there, hm? The sad part about being human is you only see through your own eyes. Even when writing from another's point of view, everything is filtered through your own experiences.

Thus, the Soup Sandwich I've become. Or maybe always was. I've also become increasingly dissatisfied/disgusted with the navel-gazing and I-I-I me-me-me of a personal blog. Is anyone else as sick to death of me as I am?

When I create and finalize a professional blog, focused on either knitting or writing, or maybe both, I'll post a link here. I'll probably not delete this blog, though, if only because of all the pictures of my family on it. Say 'nay' to 'I's. :)

Would it be telling too much to write I can't get the song "Hate Me" by Blue October out of my mind? Probably. But what a good way to end a personal blog with such a personal statement.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race