Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Soup Sandwich Wins!

A lot has happened in the past couple of months, most of which was too painful to post. You'd think a motormouth like me would be writing reams on my blog about everything, but no. Some things hurt too much to write or admit.

My mother passed away on January 21st. She was not only my Mom, but my best friend. No matter how awful or wrong I thought I was, she was always on my side. She was my touchstone and confidant. Mom could tell me things she couldn't anyone else as I could her, as well. She always believed the best about me, always knew I had good intentions for everything I do or say. Losing her has been like losing my map, my confidence, my heart.

I spent most of January taking care of her, which was both awful and wonderful. Wonderful, because of course, of all the time I had her to myself. Whatever she needed, sometimes even before she knew it, Mom had. I'd stay up in the wee hours of the morning, writing on the NaNoWriMo novel and enjoy listening to her slight snore. Her moving or getting quiet always caught my attention, so I'd get up from the chair and give her a kiss. She'd always smile in her sleep when I did, much like the Frygirl does.

The awful part? I thought if I did something wrong or not did something she needed, my ineptness could harm her. The worst was no matter what I could do, her breathing didn't get any easier for her. I honestly couldn't do enough for her.

Lots of 'I's in there, hm? The sad part about being human is you only see through your own eyes. Even when writing from another's point of view, everything is filtered through your own experiences.

Thus, the Soup Sandwich I've become. Or maybe always was. I've also become increasingly dissatisfied/disgusted with the navel-gazing and I-I-I me-me-me of a personal blog. Is anyone else as sick to death of me as I am?

When I create and finalize a professional blog, focused on either knitting or writing, or maybe both, I'll post a link here. I'll probably not delete this blog, though, if only because of all the pictures of my family on it. Say 'nay' to 'I's. :)

Would it be telling too much to write I can't get the song "Hate Me" by Blue October out of my mind? Probably. But what a good way to end a personal blog with such a personal statement.


Anonymous said...

Ok first of all, I bet that Fry would wear them to school IF she could find the other one. She probably slept with them on and it probably fell in the cracks or something. I don't know your life.
AND I don't think that you should stop with the blogging because, well, duh, its a blog and you are supossed to blog about yourself.
And you heard me corectlly, this(so to speak) will be her last blog.

ChelleC said...

I agree that we love hearing from you and would really really miss the blog. How about just coming back when you're ready and not feeling any pressure to post when you don't feel like it?

This grief you are going through is palatable. You write about it so eloquently. I think you need to write whenever/whatever you feel. (Big Hug) Love you.

Kay said...

We love you and we grieve with you, sweetie. Take your time, take a hiatus, take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to get through this very difficult time... we'll be here for you. You may feel like blogging again in the future, or you may not, who knows? It'll sort itself out. In the meantime, have another (((((big hug)))))

Carol said...

I hope by now that you know how much I value your friendship and wish I could make things better for you. The grief you are feeling is perfectly natural.

I did not know your mother but I know I would have loved her because she made you and helped you to become the friend I love.

The hurt you feel now is the worst but believe me it will not hurt like this forever. Just know that your family at home and friends know how truly wonderful and accomplished you are. I know of no one who is more giving and caring for their family.

You are more important right now than a blog post. Blog or not it matters not right now. The important thing is to do whatever you need to begin healing.

Bottom are loved.

Mary said...

A rousing "huzzah!" to posted sentiments to date. But (IMHO)

"professional blog" is an oxymoron.

You know this... web+log=blog.
You are logging YOUR life on the web for yourself and those who are interested in you, those who love and care for you.

Thanks to search engines, etc., you get found by fans and "bookmarked". Gosh, soon you get book deals and overuse cutsie phrases like "eleventy-seven". You get to count your "friends" on tally counters and may even get enough to qualify for sponsors. Soon, you're writing for them and not for you (or those who care about YOU). Don't ignore or deny the mundane or people's interest in it. It connects us.

Write/blog professionally? GO for it! You've definitely have the wit and talent for it! Get famous and include props to your less talented peeps on the book jacket;) But don't deny us YOU on the journey there. :)!!!!!!!

Camie Vog said...

I am very sorry, Laura. The song link you posted made me cry.

Please don't go completely. I, too, have flirted with letting the blog go... I still come back to it months later. We all start our blogs for many different reasons, and they are ours to use as we wish. I will miss you if you go for good...

Lisa Beth said...

I'm horribly late with this, but for what it's worth {{{{{{hugs}}}}} and prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race