Thursday, February 27, 2003

It's been a week.

This is PMS week, at least, that's my excuse. I'm not losing any weight, but then I've been cheating on the food. Not cheating on the exercise, though. I'm up to 45 minutes on the stair climber and I'd started out with 10 minutes being good. :P

I hate me and I'm tired of hating me. The diet thing isn't working, even though the exercise is, the housecleaning isn't working because it's never done, the knitting thing isn't working because I spend so much time cleaning house that I don't get anything knitted.

I'm going to do some research on becoming more effective, because at this point I'm a supremo loser. My one redeeming quality is that I CAN spell loser. Most people spell it at looser. Or maybe it's failure. Yeah, I'm a failure because at least I try, you know?

I know, I'm a downer. This is the second year of depression and nothing I do matters. I really must find something that makes me happy.

Friday, February 21, 2003


I know. I'm supposed to do this every day, but....

Ok, on Wednesday I did very well. I did everything on the list except the retainers, writing, and knitting. :P Thursday I did everything except write, knit, but did do the retainers. :) The bad thing is, I didn't make the bed today or yesterday. :P Today, I did everything except bed, writing, and knitting. It's early for the face and teeth, plus, I didn't do the yoga. I did happen to Do the stairs today at the 4-5-6 levels, and that's all for today. Yesterday it was a double decker with Fonda and Blanks' tapes.

Having done nearly everything, I'm working through papers in a little filer I have. Happened to run across some looseleaf journaling I'd done as part of a counseling stint to manage my anger. Now I know that nothing I could do would control the seretonin and how the receptors work. When I'm hopped up on zoloft and become furious, you KNOW it's got to be bad. I mean, really.

There's a lot about me I'd like to change. I'm not happy with myself and the fact that I'm not happy with myself. Making sense, yet? Figuring out who I want to be (that's a version of me, of course) is one of those goals thing I want to do. I don't know just what I'll feel comfortable being, at the moment. :)

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Nine days? Where the heck did they go?

This 'perfection' thing is hard.

The Valentine's day party went off without a hitch. Afterwards, I went to Walmart for a cake. After a conversation, the manager at the bakery wanted me to fill out an app to work there. I want to, still, but.... To be brutally honest, I'd looked forward to getting season passes to Oceans of Fun for child and me. Every Union Bank Day, I have her put in $10 towards that goal. I'll pay for my pass via my knitting classes. :)

I've modified my 'list' to include things I do that are extra, plus exclude the things I hate. For instance, I hate warm lemon water first thing in the morning, but love getting 80oz of water a day. I've also added extra working out to videotapes, but am having difficulty with that. :P My piriformus muscle is giving me grief today. I did the stairclimber for 30, 10 at level 4, 10 at level 5, 10 at level 6, yesterday, plus the 15 mins of yoga and then... Jane Fonda from the early 80's. Believe it or not, my body has changed in the past 20 years for the worse. That so f*ing sucks. I even took it easy on myself. My weight is down a pound to 166. Not bad, but not good, either.

The good news is that my mom had the same problems losing her weight at my age. She dieted much harder than I have for three months before it came off. Whew. My body's not fat, it's efficient. Too bad that's the only part of me that is. :P

Ok, the 'perfect' list:

Yoga I will probably do this so that my hip/butt muscles will quit hurting

Shower I want to color my hair and will probably put this off until after I color, today.

Breakfast-200 Calories (Cals) I'm coming in under at 80 cals, but am STARVING.

Kitchen (short for dishes, counters, stove cleaning) The dishes are soaking, I need to do this today.

Make beds, pick up clothes (combined because I always do these at the same time) I'll do this today, before yoga.

Vacuum Before I do this, I need to empty the pets' areas, THEN vacuum. I also want to do this before I shower because I feel icky afterward.

Stairclimber I'd missed Monday, so I should have done this then instead of yesterday. I'm really fighting the urge... I want to go and knock out 30 mins, which is 200 calories burned. I dunno, I may give myself some time off, just so I don't imobilize myself.

Tennis or Rollerblade with child I promised her we'd do something fun after school. She needs the activity. :P

Lunch 200 Cals Still starving and don't know what I'll have. Maybe a salad that's under 100 cals. THAT would be cool.

Write I'm feeling the urge to write today, for the first time in a very long time. Since I'm 'hurt', I may take advantage of this...

Dinner 300 Cals Must plan for this so I don't overeat. :P Have no idea what to fix, yet.

Knit Really must finish Brother In Law's sweater, only have the sleeves to do, now. Mental note to start this year's Christmas in July, maybe June. :P

80 oz water Easy to do, a third of the way there already. :D

Hour of Cleaning house This'll be the pet areas, but again, I'm afraid of the bending and picking up thing. Maybe I'll just sort and file papers. :D

Wash face and do retainers before bed. I have been so bad about not doing this and it shows. :P MUST make this a #1 priority.

There you are, my list of things to do. I'll check in tomorrow with how well I did. :D

Update on evil friend. Everything is falling apart for her and yeah, I do feel bad. Not forgiving, but bad for her. In the Karma's a Bitch department, someone broke into her car and stole her insurance, registration, and car tags, or so she says. It's tough for me to believe anything she says at this point. If it is true, well, then, she can join the group of people that were evil to me and have paid dearly for it. It also motivates me to be kinder to people. I need to do more good deeds, I think. :)

Monday, February 10, 2003

Still pissed. Posted something in the forum about 'Wouldn't it be nice to hear from the sick one in here, like she promised?' She replies, saying, was busy (yeah) and sorry (not) if she pissed anyone off (me).


It's not the first time I've let a friend go, and it probably won't be the last.

Ok, ok. This is supposed to be about me striving for perfection. I'm weeding through my todo list, doing the Yoga(100 cals), dishes, making bed, picking up clothes, and of course, eating. So far, it's been 70+120+80 calories today, and I've burned off 220 on stairs and treadmills, and 100 calories in weightlifting. If I stick to the plan of cleaning house for an extra hour today, that adds 260 to the burn list. I binged on cookies yesterday, and if I space it out, I can lose those calories and then some. If I stick to this, I'll have a net intake of -180 calories. I don't know about the hour of housework, and really, I do need to do it since I skipped the list entirely over the weekend. All my undone weekend chores are sitting around, staring me in the face. :(

I stopped by the school to drop off money for the librarian's baby gift (yes, the one who in her last month is just NOW looking pregnant), and apologized for my workout clothes. :P The secretary said I was lucky, she has to get up at 5am to work out. Now, see, that's one of my "If 'I' were perfect" things I tell myself all the time. A 'perfect' person wakes up at 4:30am and works out at 5:00-6:00, gets ready for work, and is there by 7:00. It would be far easier for me to stay up until 4:30 than it would be to wake up then. Unless there's a plane to catch. For some reason, I'm UP no matter what the time if I have a chance of going somewhere fun. :D

I think I'm going to do something fun. I know, I have that hour of cleaning house, but still. I've been really depressed the past couple of days, maybe even the past week, and I think I want to curl up with some knitting and a kill-me funny movie. I don't think I deserve it, but I do know I need it. I've added some inspriational quotes, then some 'mood of the moment' quotes, too. On the letting a friend go quote, is it me who's letting a friend go, or have I already been let go......?

Sometimes, A Girl Just Has To Be Angry

I hate my bitch friend. She supposedly has this tumor, was going to call and give me info on how bad it was, and does she call? Hell no. HER spend money on ME? USE up the 1500 she owes us? Heaven forbid!

So, I'm up in the middle of the night, pissed as hell that I can't do a damned thing. I'm going to have to think of something, though. Even if it's doing nothing and letting Karma kick her in the ass. For this, I'd become a Buddist.

Bitch. I'm really beginning to hate her.


Sunday, February 09, 2003

Will this work?

The current mood of at
Headache is over, now I'm just tired, still. Friday, I spent calling around to insurance, pharmacy, doctor, trying to see what I needed that was new and improved. By the time everything was settled, my headache was gone. :P

I'm still sleepy, but it's from me being stupid. I stayed up too late last night trying to win at Age of Empires.

I'm down to 163, but have been eating cookies today. They're 'cheap' in calories, but.... I'm hoping to keep the damage minimal, say under 1500 calories for the day. I have to run errands tomorrow, so of course I'm stopping by the gym. I may do the stairs for 30 mins at 3, then up the intensity for a few moments to really stretch my endurance. The 30 will give me some added calorie burns.

No war so far. Bush was just going to say he is pissed and that the UN had better make good on their promises. I'm so sleepy, I think I'm going to take a nap.

Thursday, February 06, 2003

Now, what was it I was going to do, again.

Honestly, this headache is kicking my butt. It's a doozy. I went ahead and ate a yogurt because I took another med an hour ago. I just took another, which is my last one for the day or I'm OD.

I did everything below except the aeorbics and yoga, which adds up to 234. Hmm. Here I was looking forward to a negative calorie count for the day. :( Unless I just eat the salad and maybe a snack..... that's an idea. Yogurt = 80, orange = 90, = 170. 64 left plus I'll probably burn more than that.

Oh crap, gotta go. Special report by Bush about Iraq. Jennings thinks he's going to allow a scond inspection before declaring war. We'll see.
Stupid f*ing brain hurts today. Sorry for language, but I didn't want this. Teaching class while under the influence should be fun. Midrin has sedatives so I'm sure to be the Bob Ross of knitting. "Now, let's make happy yarn-overs, everyone..."

I did EVERYTHING on my list yesterday except PM Yoga and face washing for the night. I know, but still, when I worked out, I did the stair stepper for a full 20 minutes, exceeding the prior 10 minutes. Plus, I did 5 minutes at level 3, another 5 at level 4, then 5 at 5, then back down to 5 at 4. Cool, huh? Then I walked at 3.5 mph for 10 minutes. I'd also done well on keeping the cals down. I'd worked out so much and ate so little that at 2:00pm, my net calories were at zero. :) I ate little dinner, but then binged on 2 cups of cereal. It added 500 cals to my daily total of 1100. Then this morning, my Weight Commander said it expects my weight to go up, since it'd stayed at 166 for the past three days and that if I wanted to change the new upward trend, I needed to work out more and eat less.

Fine. As soon as my headache is adequately medicated, I'm working out here at home and I'm keeping my calories to 500 or less today. I do not want to be this fat any more. If my body wants to be a jerk and metabolically sabotage me until I have to work out 2 hours every day and eat 500 cals a day to lose weight, so be it. I'm the boss of my body, I choose how and when I gain weight and if my body doesn't get the message, well, then, I'll just keep at it until it learns. I had an orange for breakfast, and since I am teaching class, I'm waiting to eat a snack with V when she gets home and then maybe a budget gourmet and yogurt before I leave for class. It'll add up to 460, so the snack can be a salad with basalmic vinegar. Crunchies will add 40 cals and bring me right at 500 calories for the day. Here are my plans for between now, 12:30, and leaving for class at 5:00...

Activities Number of minutes Calories burned
Aerobics 45 336
Cooking 10 29
House cleaning 30 134
Showering 15 71
Yoga 30 199
Total calories burned 769

Cool, huh? I can totally eradicate my calories today. I'll let you know how it goes.....

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

I am a Nuclear Baby. I was born in the spring of 1965 and have lived with the constant and background threat of WW3 wiping out everything susceptible to radiation. Every time sirens go off, I pause, waiting for the word that the nukes will arrive in 30 minutes. In fact, even though I grew up in Tornado Alley, I sigh with relief when the tornado alarms go off, relieved that it's not for a nuclear reason. All of my life, I've had Nuclear War nightmares.

That said, someone needs to tell the Emergency Broadcast System that you DON'T F*ING test the system during a live CNN broadcast discussing Iraq's NUCLEAR CAPABILITY!!!! No, no no! I'd love to see how high my blood pressure is right now.....

I'll post later, I'm still reading this compelling weight loss diary by Heather. Also have a bit of a fever and head cold, but really must shower and exercise.

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

This so sucks. I weighed in at 166 today and have been as high as 170 since my last post. Blame it on PMS, I suppose. Aunt Flo was supposed to visit today, but has yet to make an appearance. Probably she'll get here Thursday, while I'm in rush hour traffic to Grandview.

But wait, you say, didn't you do the Beginning Knitting class in Grandview LAST week? Yes, I did and Thursday's is a continuations. :D More money and more success (which is the better of the two). I'm actually optimistic about this knitting biz. :)

Ok, on the exercizing...I'm doing 10 minutes on a stair stepper, increasing the resistance by one every two minutes. My quads tend to tire but aren't sore the next day due to my walking another 10 minutes at 3.5 mph. Working out is dull, but I liven it up by listening to Latin music. I tend to want to give extra oomph by shaking my hips to the music. It's bad enough being fat in a gym, I don't want to be a fat idiot so I limit the cha-cha while on the stair stepper. :P I also do stretches, if not my AM Yoga, then no less than 30 crunches. Sometimes I crunch fast, mostly I make myself go slow. I'm trying something new. On Fridays, I do this new thing called slow weight training. I go on the circuit machines and make each repetition last 20 seconds. 10 secs up or out, 10 secs down or in with a slow exhale/inhale as the situation warrants. I was sore after last Friday, so there must have been some good. I'd like to be up to 30 mins on the stair stepper at level 10. Maybe by then I'll be down in weight and can start running again. Right now, the trainer recommends against it, accurately guessing I have problems with shin splints. The stairs are no impact and raises my heart rate, as does the walking. I'll walk at least as fast as 3.5 mph, sometimes, I'll go ahead and run, just for the fun of it. Weird. "I" said THAT???? :D

Food. Gawd, what to say? I have good days, and bad. Today was really good. I'm squeeking in at 646, but don't be alarmed, yesterday was 1700 and the day before that was 1040. (my former IRS agent husband just thought, "Wow" at the 1040 form reference). I'd made a lowcal cake with preserves and cream cheese, then ate most of it, yesterday. That's where the 1000 comes from, the 700 was normal, lite food. I'm not keeping as good a track of what I eat as much as I count the calories, and I always try to over estimate. In the past 15 days I've averaged 1400 calories a day. After working out three times a week, I've used up at least 300 extra calories a week. That adds up to nearly 5lbs in a year. What a crock. Burning cals in working out is not the way to go, unless you're walking miles and miles a day. I suppose I have the time, heck, I know I do have the time to walk miles a day, but I'd rather be cleaning house. It's more generally productive. Walking only benefits me and I can't really do anything else but walk. Cleaning house helps everyone in my family. I cleaned out the bookshelves today, four tall ones. Gave away a box of romances to my husband's friend's wife, who is my friend, too. She's a sweetheart, the one who rescued us when my car decided to dump its radiator fluid. :P

Ok, weight issues aside, this has been a slow week on the house cleaning scale and I need to nail down why. My list is barely being followed, I'm really disappointed in how I'm not completely following it or the monthly tasks. I'll have to get on here tomorrow and update you all on this. I did happen to find some really fab templates for MS Word and Excel that'll give me a great shopping list for diet foods (not costly if you limit portions), an estimated body fat calculation based on weight and measurements, and another format of todo lists. I might use it, then, I might not.

Controversial parenting issue: I ran the numbers and while our daughter, seven years old, is 4'1.5", she is 90lbs with clothes on. This is not good. She will cease being overweight for her height and age when she reaches 60lbs. I dunno, that seems awfully skinny, her classmates tend to look sickly because they're so thin. Tonight, I explained to her why exactly I don't want her to get double portions at school (they serve chicken nuggets, can you believe?) and for every day she doesn't get double, I'll have a healthy and very tasty snack waiting at home for her. (Low cal so if she does get double, I'll eat it myself) I've been reading a lot of weight loss diaries and shared one with Miss V. There was this one girl who'd make the rounds asking for leftovers during her school lunch and as an adult topped 375lbs. I read the story to V and told her it matters when she eats too much and for God's sake don't ask for other kid's leftovers. I'm hoping she's honest with me, she tends to lie if she thinks she'll be punished, which is even worse. I can stand a lot of things but lying shows cowardice and I don't want her to be that. I'm probably harshing on her weight too much, but honestly, I don't want the other kids to call her fatty or for her to feel bad about herself. Especially if there's something she can do about it. Also, it's the whole health issue. If she learns healthy eating now, it'll not be such a struggle when she's an adult.

So, anyway, for the possible parenting trouble. I explained to her that she needs not to ask for double, that I'll give her peanut butter on apple slices (the pb is drizzled on the slices like chocolate on those fancy desserts in expensive restaurants), which she seems to love. I'll try to make it a fun surprize every day. They don't get much lunch, but when it's fried, a little goes a long way. Plus, she gets home at 4:15 and it's often 7:15 before we eat. With lunch at 11:20, that's a very long stretch without food and her metabolism will just die. I showed her a 'pro-ana' website, which is one of those pro-anorexia website. It had a page of warning pictures with some women a little older than me weighing 49lbs. Walking skeletons, very scary. I showed V and she was shocked. I was honest with her and said I didn't want her that skinny or, then I clicked over to a fat acceptance site, nor that heavy. Neither one was healthy and both types have heart attacks at very early ages (22 yrs old). I said I wanted her in between and healthy and that's why I say don't sneak food or get double portions.

Next, we'll start on becoming more active. I firmly believe in getting one habit established before trying to begin another. It's a major lesson I've learned in my own struggle to meet my standards. I still don't meet them, but hey, one habit at a time. :) Now, it's habit for me to sweep the house first thing in the morning, picking up clothes, trash, and dishes, then doing the dishes and starting the laundry. I also have the powerful urge to workout on MWF, and even then, I want to work out on Tues and Thurs. Today, I did my AM yoga, and if I hadn't got distracted by the internet, I would have done my Jane Fonda just because I want to.

Acutally, I'm dreading that one. I used to do it in high school and college. In the few times I've tried it since, I've not done as well. As a matter of fact, I remember my Mom working out with me, her being the same age as I am now, and I know I can't do as well as she did then. I tell myself the important thing is that I get it done and that each time I do it is a little better than the time before. I compete against myself. To do so against anyone else would be too depressing. ;)

I think I'll have to wrap this up. I took cold meds and I would like to read a few more of the wieght loss diary I'm reading right now. :) I think she's more entertaining than I am.

The latest diaries have 'epiphinies' listed. I'll have to think of mine in more detail and post. My weight loss is going so slowly that I want to quit, but then I think, fine, I'll just cut calories and up the exercising until my weight has NO CHOICE but to fall off me. >:|

Forgive the spelling and grammar, I'm too lazy tonight and remember the cold med, so I'm too lazy to cut, paste, check, cut, paste back.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race